Hope Fails
by The Light Of Elendil
Summary: A rather sad story of Sam travelling to The Grey Havens to be with his love Frodo after loosing Rosie. Yep another one that sucks at summarys XD.


Oh first ever Frodo/Sam, unfortunatly this is a sad 'un.

I am rather proud though, the ending my seem a little bland, but the proudness  
Oh, the proudness... I'm not really that proud, in honesty.

Anyway, enjoy what you can, Only one chapter :)

Whats the worst thing I could say?  
Things are better if I stay  
So long and goodnight,  
So long and goodnight.

If you know that song (Or rather don't know it) then it is called Helena and I feels like quite the soundtrack.

* * *

Samwize sighed, gazing hopelessly and the green door of Bag End, he had been stood awhile although his feet were rooted to the ground, never-the-less Sam found it within himself to ease the door open.

Part of him expected Frodo to emerge from his study, beaming at him, greeting him kindly; it had been far too many years since his master left Bag End, yet it was hard to let go, particularly now there could be no comfort offered from his loyal wife, Rosie Cotton.

Sam often took it upon himself to explore Bag End, tidy the place up a little (Not that it ever really needed it with its lack of residents) when he was missing Frodo or down for whatever reason. After all Sam did love his old masters residence, he felt he always learnt something new when he explored its many corridors. Though he rarely had chance to explore any more than a few of its rooms as Rosie usually came after him; guessing he wasn't feeling his best, did what she could. This didn't annoy Sam in the slightest, he would've loved to have the chance to explore Bag End in one night, but his love for Rosie was almost indescribable, he would not exchange her comfort for the world.

Creeping around the corridors as though he was afraid he might wake some sleeping being he finally found Frodo's study, his favorite room in all of Bag End, mostly because it still felt as if it held a part of Frodo. The books and the odd scraps of paper filled with wondrous tales that often brought warmth to Sam's heart.

Seating himself on the most comfortable seat in the study, the one usually used by Frodo (and Bilbo when he lived in Bag End), as always it was dragged up to the aged wooden writing desk, still laden on the desk was an Elven book left of the same page Frodo had been reading the night before he left for the Grey Havens, Sam never sought to change it.

Propping his elbows on the desk, he buried his face in his hands, remembering the strength he seemed to obtain throughout their journey, odd how it could fade so suddenly with the death of such a sweet soul. Oh, how Sam missed Rosie Cotton, not a thing could come between them yet she was taken so quickly by horrid illness.

It had not been long since Rosie passed, only a few weeks; Sam had not had the time to grieve for her properly yet, in the morning he would leave for the Grey Havens to be with Frodo and all those who he missed dearly. Though having many children, Sam would travel alone (despite the elves also traveling who he knew nothing of), the tearful goodbyes would begin the next morning, he had promised to see them again, when they had enjoyed all they could from the Shire. When they were old enough, Sam wouldn't want to take them away so suddenly, Merry and Pippin would take care of all his children for the time, he was extremely grateful for this.

This night would be one of the most painful of them all, he had nothing left to do but wait, and remember Rosie. Or… glancing around the room he noticed (quite proudly) that he had read nearly all of Frodo's many books in the years he had been gone, but alas, that meant one less thing to do.

He slid the drawers of the desk open, many laden with parchment, quill and calligraphy pens, Sam though there was nothing worth writing.

Taking another glance around the spacious room something caught his eye he hadn't noticed before; it usually wouldn't grasp Sam's attention, yet Sam was in a fairly inquisitive mood so he investigated further, the odd shape laid flat on top of the bookshelf.

It was; unlike he had predicted, a book, cleverly disguised to blend in with the woodwork of the shelf, intriguing at it was, Sam wondered why would Frodo (or Bilbo for that matter) need to hide a book?

Upon opening it, Samwize understood,

_Frodo Baggins' Journal._

Sam knew_, this_ was something Frodo _wanted _to hide; it was blatantly obvious. Yet he was stuck with the urge to read on. Sam and Frodo hadn't seen each other in almost 14 years, yet their bond was so strong; anyway, this was probably something about the quest. No harm in reading it, so Samwize continued past the first leaf.

I must admit, this is not a book focused on the journey, no, I wrote in only one book of the ring and that I plan to give to Sam when I leave. This is something only I would like to read back to myself, though saying that I doubt I would want to read this back. There might be one other soul I could bare possessing this, but it couldn't be in my knowledge, I would only do it with the last ounce of hope there might be something good to come of it.

For it is about the one I love, the beautiful hobbit and the love I couldn't escape from. It sounds pathetic and rather cliché reading it back to myself but the love was stronger than I'd ever felt.

No… Sam certainly shouldn't be reading this. Sam ran through his memories, any reason he might have to continue, Frodo _did _leave him and he _did _leave his possessions to Sam… so, he had a right to be reading this.

My story would start at the very beginning of my journey, in fact the day Gandalf arrived to tell me the dangers of the ring, as frightening as it was, part of me was a little excited to be leaving the Shire. To be alone for a while, of course there was no part of me that could wish for those horrors to unfold, I don't think there's any other place I would rather be right now than The Shire.

_Yet, I was not leaving alone, of course, young Samwize emerged from the bushes and was insistent to be with me throughout this quest. I must admit, part of me was annoyed Sam had been caught eavesdropping outside my window. Though I did care dearly for Sam (friendly like), I wanted to be alone, he wasn't exactly my ideal traveling partner and most of all, I was afraid for him, he seemed to show much strength when he needed to, but I did not want to put him in any danger whatsoever, I did not have the right to._

_Never the less, he came with me, he was terribly shy at times, that did get a little annoying. A little reluctant to leave his home, which I could not blame him for, poor Sam had never left the Shire. I felt nothing but a mere friendship for him, yet it did blossom one night. We heard the wood elves on their journey to the Grey Havens, via their wondrous chant, and were compelled to watch. _

_I explained to him about the wood elves, he said something that made me feel rather contempt in a pleasant way _

'_I don't know why, but it makes me sad' _

_Not much, yet a rather sweet line that made me feel there was so much more to this gardener._

Sam remembered this night clearly, it was a warm night with a slight breeze and he was happy to be outside for once. Hearing the wood elves enchanting melody brought a smile to his lips and a slight twinge of pain to his heart. He noticed something in Frodo's eye then, maybe understanding he wasn't sure.

What a wonderful night.

_Not a few days later we bumped into Merry and Pippin, who were up to there usual mischief and the four of us headed for the Inn of the Prancing Pony._

_One thing leads to another and we ended up heading for Rivendell with the man 'named' strider._

_Of course there was the brutal 'act' that left me quite unable to do anything, though he might not know as I'm quite sure I couldn't shown it while in my state, I am deeply grateful for the comfort Sam showed me, I'd like to think it eased my pain a little. He was terribly worried, I could see that… but I couldn't have asked for more to ease my pain. _

_Waking in Rivendell was quite an experience, I was glad to see Sam at my side, I was glad Sam hadn't left; I know I was unconscious quite a while. In fact Sam and me had grown rather close throughout the little part of our journey. _

_I knew Sam longed to be home, I wasn't going to keep him, he loved the elves all right, but the outside world was never meant for him. I would have to stay a little while to spend time with my Uncle Bilbo and to find out more about what was intended for this ring. I would've been sad to see him leave._

_Of course, I didn't want Sam to come on the journey to Mordor; this was __**perilous! **__I couldn't ask such a thing of Sam. I was distraught with worry. Why were you so persistent Sam? Is it because you… No, of course not._

What? Whatever this was about, Sam knew there was no chance trying to stop himself reading this now.

Writing all this makes me wonder if he'll ever read this, I certainly won't be here when he does, not long now. The Grey Havens are waiting…

_And why am I writing this? I realize now, not for my own recollection, I would not want to recall it, I live everyday in this subtle pain, I write this because I want him to read this. I want him to see how I feel. When is it, when you read this? Is it too late?_

…Too late?

So after Sam's insistency on continuing his journey (though thankful I was; I could help but worry everyday, sometimes it added to the pain of the ring). After loosing Gandalf in the minds of Moria, so the cursed Balrog, it seemed as if the optimism I had was lost. Faded, in fact the only optimism left inside me was gifted to me by Sam and his wishful thinking.

_Anyway, after what seemed to be Gandalf's death (It makes me shudder at the thought), the pressure of everything weighed down on me. I was coming to terms painfully with this, I felt alone. I had protection and I had friends, but I was alone. How do people deal with death? I shall never understand it._

_Lothlorien passed quickly, though offering great comfort, I felt afraid of these foreign lands. Now knowing I must continue this 'quest' alone was a painful thought, but also quite a relief._

_On that boat, I left everyone behind; I finally had that realization. I had feelings, this wasn't friendship, it wasn't right. Just… __**wasn't right! **__I had to leave, I had to go, my mind was swimming, and I couldn't have these thoughts. If I was going to have them… not then. I knew it would make it harder, I knew this quest would kill me. Unfortunately it didn't and I am still here._

_He came for me, refusing to give up._

_No._

_No!_

_I wouldn't let him; I couldn't let Sam come with me. If I was going to die, I would die alone! The grief over whelmed me, my plan was to ignore him, try and make him leave, forget me. I wasn't going to let him come with me. _

_But he was ever so __**persistent; **__he sunk to the bottom of the lake without a care, like he would rather die than think I might go alone. I had to save him, how could I not. And when he climbed into my boat, a horrid relief filled me, when we hugged there. I didn't want to let go, he was there, and maybe I would make it._

_Oh, Sam. Why did you come with me? Why didn't you let me die? _

'I couldn't Mr. Frodo' Sam whispered to himself,

_I hate you for it!_

Hate?

_My whole body is sunken in pain; everyday I awake to this… this, indescribable feeling. It's this HORRID feeling, Sam, why did you do it? _

_And Smeagol… No, Gollum. What_ _did I turn into? What must you have thought of me? You have to see; I was suffering everyday!_

'I know, Mr. Frodo'

The ring and Gandalf and the Fellowship and Gollum and Mordor… Sauron and you. How I longed for you; everyday in the quest. You have to understand Sam, please let me know you understand?

'I understand, Mr. Frodo'

I love you, Sam. I wouldn't ever say it. You'll never know how you helped. You'll never know how much I loved you. Dear Sam!

_After the quest, I saw you with Rosie; I saw how happy you were. I couldn't interrupt that. I knew if I were to speak about my feelings to anyone it would stir trouble._

_It's not natural, it never will be. An attraction, so much stronger than friendship, for another male… this is how I felt about you Sam. I love you so much. _

Frodo _loved _Sam?

This was unheard of.

_My Dear, Beautiful Sam,_

_I'm writing this only the night before I leave for the Grey Havens. _

_I shall never post this, but if you ever come across this little brown book, I want you to know how I feel. How I'll always feel. I know its wrong, but you've done so much to help. And I grew so attracted to you. I won't ask anything of you, I know you might think I'm a freak amongst Hobbits; I cannot let go. _

_I hope you'll forgive me; I love you dearly and I always shall._

_Frodo Baggins._

'Dear Frodo, you have done nothing wrong!' the words raced through Sam's head. No, he had never thought about the same sex in that way, only once when he was in his tweens and that was only about… well it was about Frodo. It was nothing more than a non-mutual feeling. Nothing serious.

Thinking about this, all the things Frodo had written about him left him wondering what he might've felt for Frodo if he had sat and contemplated it for a moment. He loved Frodo all right, in a friendly way. He loved looking after Frodo and seeing he's okay. He loved being with Frodo. He loved quite a lot of things to do with Frodo. He might even go as far to say that he thought Frodo was beautiful. But not… not… There was no denying it Sam felt a blatant attraction to Frodo. He wished he had seen it before. Of course he loved Rosie but this felt different. His love for Frodo was stronger. He never regretted Rosie, he couldn't they shared a beautiful love and had beautiful children.

But Sam wished he could've showed his love to Frodo sooner. He would have to show him the Grey Havens. That is… if Frodo still felt the same about him. What if Frodo had found another love? What if Frodo had been in pain all these years?

Sam's head was spinning; placing the book back in his hiding place he sat back at the desk, his chin dropping drown to his chest his eyes grew heavy.

In a few hours it would be morning and he would take the ship the to the Grey Havens, never to return to the Shire again.

Sam slept that night with some discomfort.

* * *

'Welcome, Samwize'

'T-Thank you' Sam plastered a false smile on his face as he passed the old elf.

'You seen distressed, Sam, what might be bothering you?'

'Naught much. Just rather upsetting being apart from my family' Sam lied, thought being apart from his children was quite upsetting, Sam's mind was kept busy of thoughts of Frodo.

The elf nodded, smiling an unconvinced yet comforting smiled before leading Sam onto the grand boat.

'Soon, Samwize, you shall be in the Grey Havens and reunited with those you lost to these lands'

The thought of seeing Frodo again did slightly brighten the shadows in Sam's eyes.

'You may stay here for the time being, most of the elves are enjoying the merriment on the deck, feel free to join us' Sam was gestured into a small room, laden with a bed and a bookshelf.

'Thank you, I might' Smiled Sam, though he knew he wouldn't.

Laid out on the far too comfortable mattress Sam convinced himself to be sleeping for most of the journey. Until he felt the waves and movement of the boat growing slower he pulled himself from the bed.

Optimism consumed him; he shall be with his Frodo, his love. Sam smiled brightly, and made his way to disembark from the boat.

Upon arriving at the Grey Havens he witnessed Gandalf waiting for him; a cheery smile placed upon his face but non-the less he seemed to have sadness about him.

"Welcome, Samwize" The old wizard, knelt to face the hobbit as he drew closer,

"Gandalf," Sam said with a smile, "I have missed you dearly".

"As I have missed you, it has been a long time since we last spoke,"

"Indeed it 'as, there must be a lot we need to catch up on!" Sam prompted,

"There is-" Gandalf stopped abruptly, his face stricken with pain; Sam had never seen him like this.

"Gandalf?"

"There is something I need to speak with you about, Samwize. I would hate to disappoint you on your arrival, but it is important. Perhaps you might like to walk with me?" Asked Gandalf,

"O-Of course" Sam choked, "This might not be the right time for me asking, but where is Mr. Frodo?"

Gandalf did not reply, taking short steps away from the dock, Sam followed, as obedient as he had ever been.

And they walked in a solemn silence, Sam rather confused for quite a long way it seemed, but Sam could not be tired.

Gandalf happened to stop at a shallow river, rather beautiful as the sun slight reflected from the surface, creating many beams of light on surrounding shadowed walls.

The beauty adorned this river quite perfectly but there was an air about it, a horrid sense of dread. Sam noticed there were no birds chirping as he had heard previously, and a lack of flowers that were usually scattered around the path.

"What is this?" Asked Sam, suddenly quite frightened,

"I need to talk to you, Samwize, about… Frodo" Muttered Gandalf,

"What did he do?"

"Sam, this might be hard for you to understand." Said Gandalf softly,

"I can understand quite a lot of things." Sam said rather desperately,

"I wouldn't like this to be hard for you"

"I would rather you told me now"

Gandalf sighed before continuing "Not a few weeks ago, just before your coming was announced, there was an accident concerning Frodo"

"Accident?" Sam echoed without knowing he had done so, "Is Mr. Frodo a-alright?"

"I'm afraid not, Samwize, Frodo perished rather suddenly"

"He can't-"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sam, it seems the waters of this very river claimed his life"

Sam shot a quick glance at the pearly waters, his head swimming; legs threatening to force him to the ground, where he would lie in a heap until his Frodo returned to him.

"B-But Mr. Frodo was a fantastic swimmer, I've seen him with my very own eyes, An-and these waters are shallow. Not even someone as scared as water as me could've drown in here" Sam shuddered at the word 'drown',

"It seems Frodo might not have been as confident as it seemed, Sam. That or…" Gandalf trailed off,

"O-Or what?" Sam stuttered,

"A few weeks before he perished, Frodo was not himself, though saying that Frodo was never himself since the moment he came here"

"What do you mean?"

"He liked to be alone, as always, but this time his solitude seeking was far too regular and he barely touched his food. We could always tell he never got a wink of sleep."

Sam could feel his eyes stinging with the familiar feel of tears,

"Did you not ask?"

"We tried our best, but he kept himself to himself. No matter how hard we tried to ask him what was wrong he protested he was fine." Gandalf explained,

"Could you not have tried harder?" Asked Sam, rather loudly,

"We tried all we could, Sam"

"You saw he was upset, couldn't you have helped him? Would you rather he just drown himself?" Sam yelled,

"Nobody could have suspected such a thing." Gandalf's voice remained calm through Sam's storm,

"I-I bet you couldn't!" Sam tried to force the words as a shout but his voice trembled terribly and he could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks,

"Sam," Gandalf muttered, resting a comforting hand on Sam's shoulder, "We are all grieving for Frodo now, it is easy to lay blame on others, but you must not."

"I know" Spoke Sam with a shaky sigh, "I-I did this"

"Now, Sam-"

"I-I _**did **_this!" Sam groaned, "I-I _**killed **_him," whispered Sam,

"You know that is not true, Sam"

"N-No, you d-don't understand," Sam choked; trying to ignore the pained look on Gandalf's face,

"I do understand, Sam."

"You don't, you don't know how he felt."

"You think I could not see it?" asked Gandalf,

"See _it?"_

"The way he looked at you, Samwize. Of course I knew how he felt. I did not expect you to return the love. You might've in time, but not while Frodo was in the Shire. The pain was predictable, I feared for him. I just could not see how much he loved you." Gandalf explained with a sigh, "In a way this was my fault."

Sam shook his head, "Where is he?"

"His body lie in the parlor of where he lived, the burial was planned in a few weeks" Gandalf explained,

"Ca-Can I see him?"

"If you wish, do you think that would be wise?"

"No, but I wish to."

* * *

The door of the parlor creaked horribly making Sam shudder, the parlor was quite well decorated but rather plain compared to the usual hobbit hole, no patterned carpets or delicately carven walls of wood. In the middle of the particularly large room lies a bed, looking rather out of place.

As Sam expected there was a body beneath those thin sheets, so it seemed, the sheets only jutted up slightly as Frodo was terribly thin.

Sam swallowed hard; beneath these sheets was a hobbit he loved dearly, a hobbit he should've been with these years. Part of him yearned to remove the sheets to see his love for one last time yet another part, knowing the feeling of loss he would feel afterwards told him he shouldn't.

Defying part of his mind, he slipped the sheet past Frodo's head.

Frodo had not changed a bit, just his expression didn't bare the happiness it once had, the happiness Sam knew he had killed brutally.

"Oh, Mr. Frodo, why did you never tell me?" Sam asked the silence, tearfully. Taking a pale, cold and carefully preserved hand in his own.

"I would never have j-judged, I love you, you know?" It was almost as if he expected a reply, "F-Frodo?"

He stared into those blue eyes, the blue pools he had always loved.

"I love you!" Sam yelled into the darkness consuming the room. "Why didn't I- Why couldn't you have- I don't want- help me" Sam slurred hopelessly, drunken with grief.

"Samwize, do not worry, no grief lasts forever. You shall always love Frodo; Frodo will always be a part of you. That is all you need"

"I don't want this. I just want him back can I not give up"

"You did not give up with the ring, you did not give up on him then," Said Gandalf wisely,

"Then I knew I would still have him"

"And when your time comes to pass on, you shall have him again"

"I don't want to wait!" Sam cried, placing Frodo's hand back on the sheets, ever so gently and making a run for it, as fast as his short legs could take him.

Past Frodo's home and all other residence till he came to the river where living things no longer lived and all hope turned to despair, his head swimming with the loss of Frodo and blinded by tears he shrunk to the ground; hitting the water and drifting off to a dream. Where Frodo might not have died.

That's where he belonged.

So long and goodnight.


End file.
